Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
