dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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