you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
