Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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