Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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