Don't make out with my wife yet
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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