I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize