I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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