1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
