If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
