In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
