My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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