We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
