bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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