why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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