Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
