My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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