No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'd cum for enchiladas.
whose parrot is this?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
