Me. At least after what I've been through.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
