gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
