Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
