There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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