If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
