Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
