This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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