I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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