This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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