i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He passed out mid-signature
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
