The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
