you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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