i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize