thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
