Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
