Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize