So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I just found a bag of teeth...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
