but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
