1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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