Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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