Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
