If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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