On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
