If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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