last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
