Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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