so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
