We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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