I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
