...so i touched it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
