If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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