I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He shit in the fireplace
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
