i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I just threw up on my dentist
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
