He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
