Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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