Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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