Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My boob is missing a layer of skin
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize