he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
